The Gospel of Ditch Couch from the Book of Stevedave

So I made a reference on twitter today that I just realized, thanks to a good friend Boss Johnson, that people new to…well, me…probably wouldn’t get. I don’t have everything anymore, but this post and the next should help clarify. Full props to my husband, Shaun, for penning this.

The Book of Stevedave

I

1. In the beginning, there was the Ditch.

2. And the Ditch did separate the Land and the Great Road, and was occasionally filled with water.

3. And from the Factory did come the Couch, and its cushions were clean and comfortable, and its frame was strong and supportive, and its fabric was without stain or blemish and shone radiantly on the Sales Floor.

4. Then came the Slovenly, who looked upon the Couch and did covet it. And unto the Salesman did they say, “We shall put this Couch on layaway.” And for nigh unto a year they paid, and the Couch became their Couch.

5. And the years came and went, and the Couch did receive cigarette burns and beer stains, and was much abused by children and drunken college students.

6. Thus was the couch hoisted onto the Truck, and taken upon the Great Road. And the Couch did fall off the Truck.

7. Repeatedly.

8. And the Slovenly could not keep the Couch upon the Truck, for they were the greatest of fools, and they tossed the Couch into the Ditch that did separate the Great Road and the Land. And they did flee, for they were sore ashamed, and did not want to pay a $1000 fine.

9. And the Couch did become stained, and its frame became feeble and broken, and its fabric was chewed by moths and the creatures of the Land. And it gave comfort to none.

II

1. The Great Road was well-traveled, and the travelers did marvel at the Couch, and created images of it, and wondered from whence it came.

2. But the Couch sat in the Ditch, and paid them no heed.

3. And the people wondered what its purpose was, and who would just toss out a perfectly good couch like that?
4. And the Couch’s purpose was comfort, and the Couch WAS comfort.

5. And the travellers, seeing this, began to chant praises to it, and it was named, and its name was Ditch Couch.

6. The Great Road was travelled in those days by many and sundry travellers, and some of them did attend university. And of those, many joined fraternities, where the beer flowed like wine and their homoeroticism was not commented upon.

7. And the students did spy Ditch Couch, and saw that it was comfortable, and did say amongst themselves, “That would look totally sweet on the front porch of the Sigma house!”

8. Then did they come down into the Ditch, and it was filled with water, and they paid no heed, for they were not the designated driver, and did lose mightily at Beer Pong that day.

9. And hoist Ditch Couch, they did, onto the roof of their Brother’s CRX, and each did place a hand upon the Ditch Couch, so as not to lose it upon the Great Road.

10. Unto the Sigma house they did return, at a snails’ pace, for the Ditch Couch was surely a hazard.

11. And rested they the Couch upon the porch, and used it in their parties. And the Ditch Couch was comfortable, and did offer them support and succor.

III

1. In those days did the City Council rule, and they looked upon the Sigma house, and saw Ditch Couch, and became jealous.

2. And they did pass an Ordinance, that all Couches shall be removed from the porches of the houses, and they did call the Ditch Couch an eyesore.

3. But the parties did continue, and throngs of students came to the Sigma house, and they grew drunk on beer, which was plentiful. And in their stupor did they seek Comfort, and they did find Ditch Couch, and they were Comforted.

4. And the City Council did grow angry at this affront, and called the Police, and did tell them of noise violations and underage drinking, and the Police did go forth unto the Sigma house.

5. The Police did tell the revelers to disperse, and the students did laugh, and drug Ditch Couch out to the lawn, and did flop upon it in protest.

6. And the Police were not amused, and did drag the drunken fools from the comfort of Ditch Couch and bound the students hands with zipties, and did charge them with Public Intoxication, and did examine their drivers licenses to see if they were of age.

7. And the Brothers Sigma did retaliate, and poured fuel upon Ditch Couch, which did not protest, and set it to the torch.

8. And the Ditch Couch did burn, and could no longer provide comfort to the weary.

IV

1. But the spirit of Ditch Couch did ascend, and came unto a discount furniture store and did go inside.

2. And the Couches were mediocre, their frames cheap, and their cushions sub-par.

3. Ditch Couch saw this and grew as sad as Couches are able, and its spirit entered a Couch and resided within it.

4. And the Couch became comfortable, and the Couch WAS Comfort.

5. And lo did a Freshman enter into the store, saying, “That one looks nice!”

6. And the Couch went with her to her studio apartment, and was well treated, and did provide her comfort until graduation.

7. Then did the Commencement arrive, and the Freshman became a Graduate, and she did give up her studio apartment, and her belongings were dispensed on Craigslist.

8. And the Couch was taken by one of the Slovenly, and its cushions became stained and its frame rickety and weak.

9. Then came the day when the Couch could no longer support the Slovenly, and it was loaded upon a Truck and taken again upon the Great Road.

10. And the Couch saw the Ditch, and it fell into the Ditch, and the Truck did continue upon the Great Road.

11. The Ditch Couch saw this.

12. And it was good.

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