The Homily of Ditch Couch, by Govneh

Note: See previous post for reference.

There comes a time in everyone’s life when you have to stop and reexamine the path you’ve chosen for yourself. You have to look at your happiness. You have to examine your situation and the road you walk, and decide if you want to stay on the four lane commuter freeway or exit to a 55 zone frontage road and look at ducks while you drive your life. And you may be thinking, Kristin, How do I know Ditch Couch will lead me to my personal happiness? My child, let me tell you.

We all start off life much like the Ditch couch for which we gather. We are introduced to life and opportunity as brand new beautiful creatures ready to venture forth into futures unknown and stand out as unique in whichever room we come to occupy. We have ambitions and we have dreams. The world is our oyster. We are fresh from the factory, we have not aged, our skins are tight and we have no stains to mar our hopes and dreams. Every morning we awaken refreshed and perfect, ready to hold up to anyone and anything we meet.


But over time, our springs grow weary. We are abused by people, rejected by those we may love, those we may like, and even spat upon by those we tolerate. We lose sight of our dreams through the grease and soda stains that taint our world view. We no longer bounce back as quick as we did in our prime, and every kick to the leg leaves one more scuff and leaves us thus weakened. We grab on to every last remaining thread, proclaiming I once was new too! I once had dreams and ambitions! It’s not too late to make an impression on the world! Just let me stay a little longer! But as it is and as it always shall be, you were replace with new, the beautiful, the thread sure and stuffing fluffed.


So it is with ditch couch! Who else could share your story of dreams, rejection and abandonment? Who else could share the sorrows you know and still be willing to help you shoulder the burden you carry?


For ditch couch knows the road you’ve walked. Ditch couch was once just a couch, same as any other. He was new, stretched tight and clean, waiting for just the right family to go home with. Ditch couch had dreams of the rooms he would pull together, the lives he would enrich, the growing he would bear and bear witness to. And ditch couch did go thus forth and live! Never did he moan, never did his support waiver never did he speak out against the abuses laid upon him for he was Living! All he wanted in life was to be the couch to rely on, the port in a storm, the veritable dog house, the object of a family’s affections as they curled up to watch movies and if he was very lucky, to witness and bear a good fucking between his owners.


And thus ditch couch did live in happiness! First kisses, romantic evenings and reckless pizza nights filled those early years and he did give thanks! But with time comes little tears in the fabric of our happiness, little splotches of grease and chocolate smeared across our once pristine and revered seat fabric. We may have $2.00 tucked away if we turn everything end to end, but there is no recovering our previous splendor and nothing tucked away to save us from a truly rainy day.


This was when Ditch Couch first felt rejection. This is the instant Ditch couch felt humiliation, his pride wounded and his dreams shattered. For there is no greater shame to be felt than ditch couch felt, sitting on that corner, his family casting him aside with nary a second thought, merely a scrawled sign giving permission to the world to take ditch couch, from the home he’s ever known. To take him to do unto ditch couch whatever cruel desire lays dormant in a humans heart until they are alone with their victim.


But a great kindness was done, and we need remind ourselves that not all who take a seat on our futon of life is out to cause pain. For ditch couch was born again upon the porch of delta phi omega! Even through his suffering, through spilled beer, trapped farts, cigarette burns and errant piss, ditch couch found joy in his new home, for there were weary travelers in need of support! Aching feet to be placed on the rail in front of him, feet that needed bared from minutes of torture in spiked heels. And Ditch couch was thus at peace.


But as you and I, as ditch couch, these shining angels of mercy of the delta phi omega house were replace by the newer edition, and shiny upgraded model, who did not desire the ways of the old. No sign for ditch couch, no opportunity for life, no, ditch couch was pushed from a moving truck bed along a country road into the ditch at 3:20 AM one Sunday morning. And there does ditch couch rest.


Many moons did ditch couch wallow in his sadness. Many days of hot blazing sun and afternoons of freezing rains, mornings of chill and heartache did Ditch Couch rest and weep in that roadside water management geography.  It was during his lowest low, when the squirrels had nested within and the rats had taken him apart from the inside out that Ditch couch found enlightenment.


In that moment of silence and despair, after ditch couch lost all hope, did he find his true calling. For ditch couch realized that though abused, he had a strong frame upon with many pounds could sit. Although threadbare, his cloth would still welcome the weight of a weary traveler. Though his springs may not be as sturdy and may stick out a bit in that one spot, Ditch couch would continue to support whoever may ask to rest upon his strength and history.


So when you are low, and think you have no friend upon which to lean, remember that you have a friend in Ditch Couch.


Remember that Ditch Couch accepts your stains so that you may remember where you’ve been, and how far you’ve come.


Remember that ditch couch is an oasis of rest in a restless world.


Remember that ditch couch watches and the Ditch couch sees.


Remember that Ditch Couch knows your rejection and sorrow for he has traveled the same path as you.


Remember that ditch couch will take you back, time and time again, no matter how you may have forsaken ditch couch before.


Remember that ditch couch cares not what you eat upon it, be it a plate of spaghetti or a pint of ice cream and will support you without passing judgement as you cry and watch steel magnolias.


Remember that ditch couch knows broken dreams, abandonment and shame, but will still lift your burden from your weary shoulders and feet so long you remain upon him.


And never forget that no matter your history, no matter your sins or your troubles, all you have to do is ask and ditch couch will let you into his love and support.


So people I beg of you. Consider the lessons to be taken from Ditch Couch and never forget his support and love for you. When all others have failed you, go forth and seek your ditch couch, take solace in his arms, and never forget who you can truly always depend on in this world.


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