I’m not sure at all why I embarked on this adventure. One day I guess I just woke up and thought, “Why don’t I needlessly torture myself with a stupidly large and inconsequential project?”
I know that people are reading and people are enjoying (or are really good liars, but I’ll take it), which is great motivation to keep going. Self-doubt is a bitch though.
Why bother reading what I write? Who the fuck am I to you? Why do the words I put on the internet matter any more or less than what anybody else has to say? And if there’s no audience and nobody care, why continue?
Shaun, my husband, is really good about reminding me that I do these projects for me and nobody else. Don’t get me wrong, I’m touched when anybody at all, friend or foe, takes the time to read what I’ve written, but I’m writing because I want to write. I’m writing because it clears my head a little and gives me that little ping of self-satisfaction every time I hit the “Publish” button, especially if I’m on schedule.
But it’s still hard to get away from the thought that I’m just yelling into the void. I find myself feeling that way about my show as well. I love it, my guests seem to like it, but it’s not growing how I had hoped. It’s not being downloaded and listened to in any great quantity. I make things because I personally want to make them, but why write a book that you don’t want anyone to read? These projects are started for my enjoyment but I don’t intend them to be masturbatory. The joy comes in responses and interest and the transfer of ideas and comedy and jokes and love.
I’m not in danger of stopping either at this point, the post project or the blog. But I worry I won’t make it. I worry I’ll run out of words or worse, ambition. The return exists without participants or consumers of the projects/media, but the trade-off gets too heavy. I could write 500 words here every night, or a couple thousand on a novel. Every night I can make a new post, or I can give up completely and edit my first book.
Before I go, however, I want you to know that I do appreciate you reading and supporting. I see the page counts and likes and comments, and it fuels my fire. There’s no plan to stop, but it definitely helps when your content is actually being absorbed. Just every now and again, I look at the scope of the projects I’ve piled on myself and feel overwhelmed and over my head.
I hope I can make it. I’m still here, I’m still posting, and I don’t plan on stopping but fuck…it hasn’t even been a month yet. I don’t want to fizzle and die…