I’m tired. So far this has been a rather frustrating week. There has been one thing I intended to get done and there’s been no opportunity at all to do it. Plus, it’s been one-on-one with the kid since Saturday, and the Trex is just as tired and unruly as I feel. Coupled with sleep walking & talking, I’m tired. All I want to do is work on one thing, and I’m so tired. Tonight, I’m at my parent’s place with Trex and the dog and I’m close to tears. Not having the ability to achieve what I try to do, in the time I allot to do it, makes me feel frustrated and impotent. With the exhaustion, I just want to curl in to a ball and rock for a while.
It got me to thinking. I know my problems really aren’t that bad. We have work, we have a home and lots of food, I have the luxury to set arbitrary deadlines and do unnecessary projects like writing that make me happy. Nobody has died, been fired, has cancer, can’t get clean water, is starving, etc. A lot of people call these “first world problems” that I’m having, but I realized that doesn’t change anything.
I myself never made the claim that I have the worst problems ever. These issues weren’t weighed by me against the issues in third world countries. Yes, things could be much worse but the point is, that doesn’t invalidate how I feel. Somebody having a worse day doesn’t make my frustration and painful exhaustion any less so. As much in the positive as I try to stay, I have these shit periods. Everybody does. It doesn’t mean I’m not thankful for what I have or appreciate what’s in my life any less, it just means that I’m having my own personal struggle at this very moment, please leave a message, I’ll call you back when I’m better.
It seems really self-serving and petty to say this, but I think it’s important. Problems are problems, no matter how big or small. Yes, Cancer beats Fighting with a Friend, but both feel pretty shitty, and the emotions that come with both are completely legit. By the same token, if your problems are small, have a pity party and move on. Even if you have to set a timer; that’s what I did when Trex was smaller. I’ll allow myself to feel sorry for me for a certain amount of time, then I’d scrape myself up and move on. In writing this, I already feel better. Just do something for perspective, and move on.
For me, things will be better in a few days (as long as my mind lets me sleep). The project isn’t going anywhere (ha!), I was just looking forward to having it out the door. I’ll get to rest more in a day or so when Shaun’s feel better. Plus, after tomorrow, we should be done with work for the week. It’ll be okay, despite what my brain says right now. In a few days, it will all be okay once more. deep breath