To The Mountains!

I went on quite a drive yesterday, and wrote this up in a hotel in Redding, CA at midnight last night. If you want to check it out on a map, I went from Elverta, CA to Woodland, to Elverta, to Cedarville, and to Redding, all in 11 hours.

A lot of that drive is through tight-cornered mountains, no cell reception to be found anywhere.  And I’m pretty shitty at just driving, so I kept a journal while I had no service on my phone. Enjoy.

5:10-I’ve started desperately waving at the few and far-between cars as I pass, just in case they’re the last person to ever see me alive.

5:13-I haven’t seen a speed limit sign in 25 minutes. Luckily, I’m good at improv.

5:15- 45 minutes ago, I passed through Bieber and Nubieber, CA. The hilarity of what lonely, sad towns they are is not lost on me. It’s like their weird little prophecies for when Bieber gets older.

5:20-My cell service returned. I never loved you, journal.

5:48-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.

5:50-I’ve had to accept that my truck smells like beef jerky and farts. I’ll cop to the beef jerky…

5:55-It’s 50 very shitty degrees up here, and I hate every single one.

6:02-I bet we’d hate cows if they could talk. They’d probably just talk about themselves all the time. Like us. What dicks.

7:30 This is an abridged version of a conversations I just had with a driller:

Him: “So, you can change the scale?”

Me: “Yeah.”

Him: “And it makes the hole look different, maybe better?”

Me:  “Yeah.”

Him: “But it’s the same hole.”

Me: “…Yeah.”

7:44 Holy shit there’s a lot of deer.

7:50 I’ve been driving for 20 minutes, and I’ve had to completely stop my truck twice for deer in the road. I’m kind of more worried about those Beware of Cow signs

8:15 Stopped at Subway, because I wanted to pee inside a building, not around the shady corner of a dirty gas station. I bought dinner, and laughed when the girl dropped the ranch bottle after being out of everything else I’d asked for so far. I had to apologize-I didn’t want her to think I’d laughed at her, just that my entropy is contagious.

8:41 That real estate sign at the mouth of a dirt road leading into the forest seems totally legit.

8:59 The “Beware of Tractors” sign was a nice addition to all the other shit they have signs of to worry about on this mountain (Rocks, cows, deer, wind and semis). Although, now I want to see what an epidemic of feral farmers would look like. Would we wall them and their tractors in? Would they just rampage? I mostly want a Feral Farmer sign.

9:05 It’s 43 degrees. 7 of those degrees from earlier heard I hated them and fucked right off.

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