My Private Public Love Letter

This isn’t the post I intended to write this week, I’d meant to write about my shattered perceptions of a Sedaris childhood and how validation does/doesn’t affect who we become, but this is what I was moved to write so this is what you get.

I heard the words “I want to grow old with the man I was young with” and only thought of you. I choked up. I’d never heard what I feel about you put into words so precisely. 

It’s really weird because I don’t want to say “we’ll be together forever.” To me, it feels like making a birth plan for a painkiller-free, natural birth, and then having an emergency c-section. We have ideals in our mind but writing them down is tempting fate. 

I’m too much of a realist to say now, in my 30s, that we’ll be together forever. Lives change, people change, and things don’t always work out. Even for a skeptic like myself, promising myself a forever feels like cursing what we have now, and makes the very idea of not being with you more unbearable. 

Like, if I promise myself a forever and it doesn’t happen, it’ll hurt worse than if I hold in my mind that forevers don’t always happen. 

But I want what we have right now to grow into our forever. Our love will change as much as we do, but I want to cling to it, wrap it around us and mold it like a blanket to our frames to ensure it warms us until we’re old and tired (dibs on being tired, you have to be old.)

It feels like things have been difficult the past few years, what with my stupid wonderful house purchase, with you going through school, business slowing down, and my mental health. But the weirdest thing is that I feel closer to you. The things I thought would push you away only showed me your strength in a new light and reminded me why I love you so much. 

We don’t always agree. You don’t like my girls with pianos music, and I still think the Henry Rollins Band would sound the same if you listened to it played on underwater speakers. I love horses, the country, and being alone. You like the city, apartments, and sidewalks. I want to read and hike and camp. You want to play video games and make things on your computer. 

These things feel like they’d be too different, but it works because we make space for what the other person needs. You showed me how to do that, mostly when I began getting up at 3AM to write every day instead of curling up with you and watching TV every night. 

You hold me up when I’m having panic attacks over lawn work and phone calls. You tell me you’re proud of me when I sell stories. You read 80% of what I email to you, begging you to read, and that’s more than I expect. 

I only hope that I’m being an equal partner in this relationship, and giving you the same care and consideration. 

There’s that line in The Princess Bride (I almost typed The Princess Pride and omg let’s make that story, too,) the famous “As you wish.”

Your as you wish is, “We’ll figure it out.”

Can I leave for an entire summer and do sail training in Long Beach?

We’ll figure it out. 

What if I applied to med school?

We’ll figure it out. 

Hey, I’m going to go camping alone for half a week. Will you be okay with house, kid, pets and business?

We’ll figure it out. 

I’m not getting the writing done I want. I want to book an AirBnB for a few days to just write. Will that be too hard with your class schedule?

We’ll figure it out.

You even said I could have a puppy, you beautiful monster, you. I won’t, I know how complicated our lives are already, but still. You said yes when you saw how much joy other people’s puppies brought me. 

You encourage my every passion and make space for every wild whim. You let me set off across half the country with our kid, a tent, and no solid plan, then made KOA reservations when I panicked. 

You let me book tickets for nearly three weeks on another continent, with our kid, and without you. 

You listen to me vent, you validate my feelings, you survive my wild moods, and you love me. 

You love me, and I know it. 

Why else would you put up with… gestures at self

All this, 700 words just to say, I love you. 

Enough to post this as an open letter and be all sappy and gooey and lovey on the internets. 

So though I won’t promise you a forever, I’ll secretly want it. There will always be a door, but I’ll do everything I can to keep from ushering you through it. 

Here’s to our now, and my hopes for our tomorrow. 

Uncle "Jim" and the bull that hurt its dick

Of course you want to read a blog post with a title like that.

I have a story coming out with Tough Crime on Monday that started with me reading a whole ton of Cormac McCarthy, and then thinking about the concept of write what you know.

And accountancy is really fucking boring.

If you’ve met me or have seen pictures, it’s probably not obvious that I love westerns. I’m dying to own my own horse again and if I didn’t have to consider anyone else in my decisions, I’d have a farmhouse in the middle of nowhere, miles from everyone, with a menagerie of animals and huge garden. Yes, I would miss Netflix, but my library would be vast and I’d take in every sunset.

Also, I’m a descendant of homesteaders and cattle ranchers. I have relatives that were, in fact, born in a barn, and many family members that still make their living running cattle over thousands of acres. I myself was born in Gillette, Wyoming, and we moved to Cali when I was six.

I consider California my home state. It’s in my blood and I will forever be grateful I grew up here. Though not the most diverse end of the state, the exposure to other ideas, other ways of life, helped me to form my own opinions away from the narrow-mindedness I sometimes find back in Montana.

That said, I love my roots. Or, better, I love the country they’re sunk in. My childhood is filled with memories of spending the summer at my grandparent’s house, of moving cattle and riding through the hills, of the horse I owned the front half of and my grandpa telling me to drink like a lady (yeah that one never stuck.)

We usually went back once or twice year, depending on what was going on with the family. It’s about 1500 miles from Northern California to Ekalaka, Montana, the town my mom grew up outside of. It has a tiny little main street, a great dinosaur museum, a population under 400 and is the county seat. She grew up in a smaller place called Mill Iron, which is mostly where two gravel roads happen to meet. They had a one-room school house and I believe the teacher lived on-site.

One of my favorite memories of driving back, I swear to god, is getting yelled at for laughing with my siblings, but that’s a different story all together.

Having family that runs cattle in an isolated part of Montana can be complicated. I love my family but like I said, the privilege of growing up in California allowed me to form a worldview that includes people who aren’t carbon copies of myself in skin color, beliefs, and/or sexuality. It makes for interesting visits at times, but if you just nod and go mmmph enough times, you get through it.

Part of what I love in that area is the land itself. It’s wild and beautiful and spacious enough to get lost in. So long as you close the gates behind you, you can roam as far as you like, across hills and through forests and up amongst the sandstone.

Probably not what you picture when you think of Montana forests and prairies, but one of the best features of the area is the sandstone. As seen and modeled here by the wonderful Trex. Those pictures are specifically of Medicine Rocks State Park and worth wandering through if you’re ever in the area. Or, more realistically, making them a destination because there’s not many reasons you’d be passing through.

One place in particular is called the Ludwick pasture. I’m sure at one point I knew who Ludwick was, but hell if I can remember now. Still, it’s been a source of great memories for me and most of my cousins.

Did I mention my grandparents had 9 kids? There’s a lot of cousins.

But throughout the years we’ve spent a ton of time out there. Once we camped for days. Other times we’ve had picnics and barbecues. Very few trips are made to that part of Montana without visiting the Ludwick pasture at least once.

Picture hills and the scraggly pines of southeastern Montana. A steep climb levels out into a plane of prairie grass, almost in a private, forest-hidden valley. On one side towers great columns of sandstone, eaten away by rain, wind, snow and time. There’s arches, holes, caves, and pathways the water flows off the stones. If you can find the right one or climb up, the tops are vast and flat, usually close enough to hop from one pillar to another. One one side you can walk right up onto the rocks while there’s a good 20-30 foot drop on the opposite end, leading into the small valley.

With the wind whistling through the trees, there’s a misleading sound of water at all times, though the country is dusty and dry most of the summer. Sage and pine scent the air while sand and pile needles wheedle their way in between your soles and socks. There is not a thing to do out there except whatever you like, and it’s a perfect place.

That, essentially, is where I set the story that’ll come out in a couple of days. That dust, the dirt, the pines, the sandstone and the baking summer sun-that’s what I wanted.

“Okay but this has nothing to do with the promised bull dick!” you complain, because that’s what I know you’re all about.

I’m getting there. I just got caught up writing love letters to some of my best childhood memories.

If we circle back to my family being more conservative, we’ll get to the bull dick.

The reason such a tiny town has a great dinosaur museum is because it’s part of something called the Hellcreek Formation. If you’ve heard about Badlands dinosaur digs, and Sue, that’s in the same area. There’s so many dinosaur fossils popping up out of the ground that sometimes it takes a couple years after reporting one for a crew to come dig it up.

One of my uncles, we’ll call him “Jim,” owns land that includes what people call the Chalk Buttes. The chalk buttes, when wet, get gummy and slick, easily eroded by the water and snow. The buttes are full of various fossils, though usually in tiny pieces due to the instability of the buttes themselves. They shatter and roll down through the mud but sometimes, things like talons and femurs pop out of the hillside.

When visiting with fossil buffs and younger family members, the buttes are a wonderful place to explore. If everybody takes a sandwich bag, you can spend hours picking little bits of fossils and stones from the dirt, all over the hillsides.

That’s how I found myself riding in a side-by-side with Trex (my son) and Uncle Jim. We’d already ridden horses and picked wildflower bouquets and were now heading out to the Chalk Buttes, leading a procession of pickups full of cousins, aunts, uncles and Grandma.

There had been a lot of talk from Uncle Jim and his wife about a vet visit the next day. They were checking how successful the IVF breeding had been versus the bull breeding and were going to have an early morning of it. I could tell he was a little careful picking his words when he answered my questions about what all was involved, and how the vet would be able to tell the difference between the two, but didn’t think much more of it.

We picked fossils and minded a couple rambunctious young boys on the edge of the buttes, caking our shoes with mud and trying to find cooler items than everyone else. When we went back for dinner, we traded my sister for Trex, who hopped in the truck with his grandma.

Conversation drifted back to the next day’s events, the farm, and some of the wildlife we saw along the way.

Turning back towards the house we spotted one bull alone in a smaller field and inquired about it. The answer, very simply, was “Oh he got injured so we’re giving him some time to see if he gets better.”

Which leads naturally to, “How’d he get hurt?”

“Oh, it happened when he was out with the herd.”

Weird answer, Uncle Jim, but maybe I’m bad at taking hints. Also, like I said, I grew up in California and generally fail to be the tender, virgin-eared wilting flower some people expect woman to be.

“Did he get in a fight with another bull?”

“Kinda. Not really.”

Me, continuing to be as dense as possible: “So what’d he hurt? His leg or something?”

Uncle Jim, shifting uncomfortably, says, “Well, no.”

Clearly, I can not take a hint at all. “What happened to him?” I quite innocently ask.

“Well, it happened when he was mounting a cow.”

“Okay. Did he fail the dismount?”

“Sorta.”

“But he didn’t hurt his leg?”

“No.”

“What did he hurt?”

Then Uncle Jim caved, but only sort of. “Well, we think another bull hit him and and knocked him off the cow, that’s how he got hurt.”

“Ohhhhh,” I say, and we move on.

At least until I get alone with my sister, at which point I fall apart in laughter and inform her, who had no idea what my uncle meant, that the bull was mounted on a cow, doing what he’s supposed to be doing, when another bull rammed him off.

His dick. The bull twisted his dick when he fell off the cow and in no way could my uncle find the polite, appropriate words to tell us that.

To this day it remains one of my favorite memories of that uncle, and a great reminder of the divide in what we find socially acceptable.

What bearing does that have on the story I wrote? None, really, though calving is involved. It’s just something I remember and laugh about every time I think of that visit in particular.

I hope you check out the story on Monday and support Tough. Have a great weekend, friends.

A Cure For The Melanjollies

Christmas is a fraught time for me. I tend to say I don’t like it. I commonly find myself anxious and sad all through December, despite all my decorating, despite putting up multiple trees, despite enjoying the lights and songs and smells and excitement.

I’ve dubbed the condition of both enjoying the holidays and being made sad by them the melanjollies, a nice little portmanteau of melancholy and being jolly.

Can’t enjoy Christmas because you’re stressed about family? You might be melanjolly!

Terrified of the credit card bill once you’re done buying gifts for everyone and their cousins? You’re probably melanjolly, too!

So why do I get the melanjollies every year? Easy. I don’t like being told I need to buy things. I think it’s a season out of hand, and people have lost their god damn minds over it. It’s rabid consumerism and that rubs me all the wrong ways, not to mention stressing over the money outlay and making sure I remembered everyone under the sun. Oh, and don’t forget to make sure each gift is thoughtful and useful and something they’ll like.

My cure for the melanjollies used to be tying one on every Christmas eve—drinking a lot of whiskey, trying to get other people to drink with me, and doing things like falling up the stairs. Yeah, you read that right. I fell up the stairs. But now I can’t drink, and where does that leave me? Why, stewing in my own emotions, of course. One big ol’ pot of Gov’s Christmas Depression.

Fun.

This year, when I was griping I didn’t like Christmas, my husband called bullshit on me and he wasn’t wrong. There’s so much I do actually enjoy about the holiday. I like the lights. I love the trees, the foods, family. I love the anticipation leading up to Christmas day, and the excitement it holds. Most of all, I love that everybody stops, even if just for the day. Stands still. Feels joy and love together. There is truly is so much to enjoy about this holiday.

And looking back on ours this year, it was really nice. Simple and low-stress, exactly what I wanted.

So what gave?

This year, our goal was to limit the gifts and the spending. My siblings and I asked the families involved if we could not exchange gifts (save for the kid.) My husband and I got each other one thing. For my son, I painted him a picture, and his dad got him one gift.

It was amazing how much that lowered my stress instantly. Without having to buy dozens of presents, without feeling obligated to spend a ton of money, I felt more able to just sit back and enjoy all the things that make the season great. We didn’t go to the malls, we didn’t hit the stores, didn’t order boxes full of stuff from Amazon.

We watched movies together. Listened to to the kid butcher Christmas songs with reckless abandon. Drank tea and read books by the fire.

It really was everything I wanted for Christmas.

I’m hoping that we can continue this tradition going forward, remember that keeping things small is key to getting the most out of the holidays.

And if not, well, maybe one day I’ll be able to drink again.

Solstice Babies and Winter Birthdays

Trying to kick this blog off right, let's start with a birthday! 

I hear a lot, from other people with birthdays near Christmas, that it's the worst time to be born. The issue, it seems, is that family likes to roll your birthday and Christmas into the same event, and therefore you don't get a proper birthday. 

I'm waiting to hear that one from my son, who is 7 years old today, 4 days before Christmas.

Because he was due the 8th of December. This isn't my fault. 

But 7 years ago he arrived, disrupting everything like a rambunctious puppy that eats your home. That child didn't sleep through a night for, oh, somewhere between 13 and 18 months. He spent the first 6 months unable to sleep anywhere but on my chest, with me sitting up in bed. 

But once he could walk, his world changed. Our world changed. He became so happy, as if the first 9.5 months he'd just been held back from the world he wanted to see. No more 13 hours straight of crying. No more only resting when being bounced and walked around. 

Now, 7 years later, he's a phenomenal young kid. He can read. He's excellent at math. His favorite part of the day is having his dad read books to him. They've read The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings and they're almost through the 4th Harry Potter book. 

He tells stories, constantly. I make stabs at writing and although I do my best, I'm outpaced by this tiny, brilliant mind.

He wants to be a scientist. He wants to be an astronaut. He wants to be a cop.

He wants to be an Engineer Astronaut Cop. That's amazing. Now you want to be an Engineer Astronaut Cop too, admit it. 

As sad as it is to realize my little bundle of rage and fury, my tiny, bald baby, my happy, bumbling toddler, is gone forever, the little boy he's grown into is a delight. He makes us laugh every day, is always up for an adventure, and I never thought I'd have to beg one human so often to stop talking about Minecraft. I'm proud of who he's grown into, and can't wait to see the man he becomes. 

So happy birthday, bitty Trex. I promise to do everything I can to always make your birthday a separate event from Christmas and though you're not getting that god damn Hatchimal the TV told you to desire, I know you'll have a grand day anyway. 

And it could be worse, child-mine. You could have one of the rare February 29th birthdays. Gasp.